Sad

I get so sad. Where my thoughts manifest into something ugly and I can't shake it. I feel so very alone. I hate being alone. He just lets the tears fall and says I'm sorry. I'm over sorry. I want to be me again. I want to be my own person, to feel love. To matter. I'm being held hostage here. I came here for him. He doesn't see that. Help me. I'm drowning. 

The past

I was 7 years old when my parents got divorced. I remember it vividly. Perhaps that's why I don't believe in divorce. For the tortured souls who never recover.

My mom was a drunk. I say this with love though. I don't have a single memory of her as a child sober. Is that to say she was never sober? No. It's just that my mind remembers the bad times.

She came home one night loaded. She worked at the oil can so it was well after 4 am. My dad had to work in the morning and was yelling at her. Asking her how she was going to get up in a few hours with the four of us. Feed us, take care of us. She grabbed her blanket and made for the couch like she always did. 

He kicked her out.

She broke the door down and cut my dads nose by accident with his glasses and the door. I yelled don't hurt my daddy. I was always a daddy's girl.

That was it. We saw my mom on the weekends. We packed up all of her stuff into agar age bags and ripped it off at the oil can. It was kind of fun for us kids really. Little did we know she was the lesser of all evils.

We lived with my grandparents for the next five years. Icrecream and fun, and being spoiled. It was a perfect childhood. 

We saw my mom on the weekends and my dad when he was off. We loved it.

My dad then met a woman on the internet. We talked to her on the phone. She sounded nice. She moved up in November of 1993. I was 11. She had 3 children. They married in December.

Life changed. We rarely saw my mom or my grandparents. And we were abused. We weren't allowed to sing, use washcloths, have baths. We had rules posted everywhere. We had to comb dandruff from their hair sometimes until 3 am with school the next morning. We had to kneel on the fireplace if we were "bad" we were so hungry we would eat stuff that couldn't be traced like sugar and raisins. My sister took raw perogies to school. We used to lick the bottom of the bowls before we washed them. We did all the chores.

Playing outside was a luxury, and only in backyard. And we were hit. Relentlessly. Cutting boards, threatened with lighter fluid, my sister even had her shoulder blade dislocated. But they will say we deserved it.

2 of my sisters ran away at 15. I stayed for my baby sister Kara. Then I had an epiphany. I would cut myself with a razor everytime she hit me. Well I didn't stop cutting.

My dad came home one night and was trying to make small talk. I told him he didn't know me. I showed him my legs and he cried. He took me and my sister to the park and kicked her out. And asked us to tell him everything. We did. He took her back the next day.

They called suicide hotline and listened on the other end. They took away my razors so I couldn't show which was embarrassing for grade 12.

I got a bean for everytime I was "bad" so I was pretty much grounded my entire grade 12 year. She used to hit us and then say oh I guess we won't be getting hair combers tonight. 

We used to have to sing cadence and be in boot camp orchestrated by my step brother. She used to weigh me and compare me to my sisters. Tell me I was going to be fat like my mothers side. She told me my mother only wanted the China hutch and my parents divorced me on My birthday. She was going to light me on fire one night until my step brother jumped in. 

One time She was hitting me over the face and cute me with my glasses. I was bleeding and bled on my shirt. Afterwards she told me to clean my shirt. I said no I was going to wear it to school to show people I was abused. My dad made me change it. I was washing it out in the bathroom and she came in and said don't use hot water. My sister said to me to leave. That I wouldn't make it out if I didn't. So I did. I never looked back.

I'm currently being treated for my depression. For being a daddy's girl and still loving him with all my heart. I take pills for my nightmares. I relapsed at Christmas due to high stress and self harmed again. 

Was it the divorce? Was it the abuse? All I know is that it wasn't my fault and I'm on the path to recovery and happiness. 

Silver Icing

For those who don't know me, I'm kind of quiet and shy. Haha not really. And I have a strange obsession with unicorns 

(laughter)

I started selling Silver icing by chance. In February 2015. I had a newborn baby Everly and my mother in law had came up to find a job from Prince Edward Island. I signed her up to do Silver Icing but she didn't do anything with it. So after some coaxing my friend Kari who is now my upline and my husband  told me to do it.

I was pretty amazed at how well it took off for me. I had been in direct sales since 2009, and even hit director with one of the companies I was with but Silver Icing for me was effortless, and had a business plan like I hadn't seen before.

I liked how positive the hub was, and how girls were ready to help even if you weren't on their team.

Everything changed for me though at Refresh last year. 

Girls from my own city that I had never known became instant friends. We shared so many laughs and maybe one or two drinks:) 

But my takeaway that weekend was girls who would help me through the hardest year of my life.

Imagine telling your upline about your depression. I thought it was just post partum and it would go away as Everly got older, but it turned out it was from my childhood that I had never dealt with. My sisters and I were survivors of child abuse.

So I guess I just dealt with my anxiety and depression for 20 years, and at Christmas time I relapsed, into self harming and my family was going to have me admitted. My two Silver Icing unicorns Kari and Jen were the only ones besides family who knew. 

Then in January one of my sisters, who I call my twinny since we are so close in age had a stroke while 32 weeks pregnant from a cavernoma tumour in her brain. They think she had the Tumor since birth but the pregnancy made it grow and bleed in her brain. Again the first people I told were Kari and Jen. They said whatever you need we got you, took over my accounts, and checked in on me all the time. I didn't think my sister was going to make it. At the Fort McMurray hospital she was all smiles and talking and then was medivaced to Edmonton and when I got there after the five hour drive she couldn't touch her nose say my name or form sentences. I wanted to swap bodies with her. I couldn't lose her. 

I stayed with her the whole weekend in the hospital :) and am happy to report she delivered a healthy baby boy in May:) named Harrison. We are waiting for November to see what they will do on her tumour . But are keeping her in our prayers.

In March my grandpa died after a long battle with dementia. I had lived with him for 5 years as a kid, so he was like a dad to me, and I took his death pretty hard.

Then in May my city Fort McMurray was hit by the wildfires. I was sent home from work at noon to pack just in case, and then only 20 minutes later it turned into a mandatory evacuation and I had just minutes to pack. And left with sadness all my silver icing orders:) and forgot to pack the things that were sentmental to me. Although I did pack an entire pillowcase of mismatched socks. 

We left with flames in our rear view window and I gave my six year old my shirt so he could cover his eyes. My baby was with her babysitter and it took 7 hours until I would be reunited with her. I I got confirmation the next day our house was completely gone.

Now like me you're probably wondering what does this have to do with the heart and soul award? 

I created a Facebook page three years ago called helping others for my city to help people who might need some extra love or help with mortgages and bills and food and Christmas presents, and I created another one for all my silver icing customers who had lost their homes in the Fort McMurray fires. I try always to be mindful of others and it gives me a sense of purpose. No one ever goes poor from giving. Even when you don't have anything to give you can give advice, or friendship, or love. And that's all I did.

People would write me and say things like-  look at you you lost everything and you're still helping others. But I didn't lose everything. I still have people who love me and inspire me and support me and make me want to be a better person.

I want to thank my unicorns who got me through the hardest year of my life. Kari, Jennifer Pittman and Jennifer Hahn, 

Christina. You've been my #wcw

 since I joined this company. Thank you for giving me theses friendships and allowing me to work from home and watch my kids grow but mostly thank you for what you did for Fort McMurray. That was the only thing that made me smile that entire week. It just shows how much you care for all of us and speaks to your kind heart.

, and for all the stylist love I was shown after the fires from my downline, and costylists who sent me clothes for myself and people in my group, helped earn beans for my children and sent my children gifts. I will never forget the kindness that was shown to me and I'll continue to find ways to pay it forward. Thank you! 

Saying goodbye

There a re few people I can't say goodbye too without crying.

And some I'll never let go of without dying.

Goodbye is the hardest world I'll ever hear

Goodbyes the last time I'll hold you dear

I hate goodbyes

I hate the unknown

Just stuff

 Here are the things that are just stuff to everyone else that I wish I had gotten out before my house burnt

The board with my kids heights. We had saved and wanted in our new house

My engagement and wedding rings. 

My wedding albums and baby albums my mother in law made me

My hockey jerseys:) my kids are named after oiler players

My husbands tools that were his grandpas

My poetry that got me through some of my darkest years

Dream phone from my best birthday ever 

Camdens watch that was my late grandfathers

Everlys quilt that Patsy made

The pictures in everlys room from my sister and an old best friend with her arrow.

My date book I kept of my husbands and I love story. Every ticket stub to every date. Every card he ever gave me. 

Now all memories but not just stuff 

The day we were evacuated

 It's been a while since my last post. And I wanted to write. About the day my world went upside down. Everything was normal, I was out for lunch with my girls from work but the fire that had been around our city looked different today. I had a sick feeling. I called my sister koryn to show her what it looked like, because she lives nearby. Then I went back to work and they told me my sons school was being evacuated. I called Mike to tell him I was going home and he said you pack up just in case I'll get Camden. I woke my sister Karalee up from night shift told her I would be home soon and to start packing. I was home six minutes. I was grabbing clothes from each closet and the papers they tell you to bring. I did a quick glance over my house and thought it would only be a couple of days. Had I known my house would be gone forever I would've taken the extra few months to grab what meant something to me.

I left my house and my husband came home with my son. Camden was scared and wanted to go with me. We were now seperates. Camden and me , Karalee in one truck, Mike and the dog in the other. We were on the road but traffic wasn't moving and you could see flames now in the distance. Something told me to turn around and go down the old hill so I did. I gave Camden my shirt and told him to cover his eyes because I didn't know what we were going to see. I then called the radio to tell them to do the same. My car is almost on empty and there are no gas stations open. I helped a lady get to her cat then went to a school to pick up a family friends daughter after calling a long lost friend I saw on the roof of their house. I guess it was the selfishness in me that made me call them to reconnect. See how they were doing. We had been friends for so long. Not sure why I thought they'd want to hear from me. Moving on.

I sat in the parking lot of Shoppers and sobbed. The city was on fire. My city. The city I was born on and have never left. 

Then I realized I still had things to do, like get gas and get to my baby. I called my oldest sister who was headed north and said if anything happens to me just get Everly. I knew she was in good hands with my sitter but I wanted her with family in case anything drastic happened. I was still on no gas in a burning city after all.

I met up with my husband randomly on the highway and someone had told me to go to stone creek for some gas. So I drove on the side of the road just in case installed I didn't want to be a prick who stalled in the middle of the highway thousands were trying to get out on. I got to confed and told the cop I was out of gas, and he said ok but people are coming down in the same road you're going up, please be careful. 

I drove better than I have ever in my life:) into oncoming traffic! I can't even park straight. I got to the gas station just as my reserve was out so I had to be the prick in the intersection again:) with my blinkers on. Hubby went to a friends house to get a jerry can and we waited a couple hours in the line up for gas.

We parked hubbys truck in a "safe spot" and then he took over driving.

It took almost 7 hours until we were reunited with Everly. She was sleeping:) so innocent and peaceful.

I will never be able to repay my gf Tiffany for everything she did for me that day and kept my baby safe. I will always feel guilty for going to work that day.

Our friend found us a camp room but there was no linen or milk, you know the things you take for granted. And I had that feeling again. So I packed up the kids and dog again and we headed south. I tried to wake up my friends and family at the camp to tell them to come too. But no one  listened to my ramblings:)

We drove just to we were out of harms way and then slept on the side of the road, almost out of gas again. But I was relieved. We were together and safe.

We managed to get free gas in the morning and drove to my sisters house.

It was over. I got alerts from my security system my house was gone. And then I got pictures and video from my neighbour. I then made the decision with my family to send my husband and kids to PEI. This wasn't an easy decision. It wasn't me saying it would be nice to not have my kids around. I am their mother. My sole purpose in life is to protect them. Whoever says I've been selfish or reckless in sending them doesn't know me. Doesn't know that I have seen a doctor and needed a prescription just to survive my head without them. 

It's been he's. It's been hard doing the insurance stuff alone, sleeping alone, cooking for one. It's been hard having zero responsibilities but to let my dog out, and seeing my kids for a couple minutes a day. I've had nightmares and have polls for those too. I see fire and the sounds of sirens make my skin crawl. It isn't a vacation. I miss my kids. I miss my husband. I miss my house and all it stuff. 

I miss my home and just because I wanted to move doesn't make this any easier.

Tattoo

When I was 19 I got a tramp stamp. Guess what of... Yup a butterfly. I hate it so much now that I haven't got one since.

But now I want an arm sleeve.

Of the movie Labyrinth.

I love this movie, for so many different reasons. I would never ask a goblin king to take my siblings away, but I love how it's all just one dream and she figures it out by saying you have no power over me. I also love when her friends come back to visit her and say should you need us. As I embark on my new journey without my sisters for the first time in my life. I how the tattoo will remind me that I create my own destiny and happiness and that my sisters will always be there for me like I am for them.

Dance magic dance magic dance 

My mommy Secrets

I have been told time and time again "you have such good kids" "your kids make me want to have kids" as if I had some sort of art of raising children down pat. I don't. My kids still have tantrums and get disciplined. But I've learned some tricks on the way that could be helpful to you!

1.Saying no. When my kids were babies, we only used the word no if something was dangerous. I think it helps them to understand your tone, without yelling and differentiate between no more cookies, or no don't run away from me. Downfall: when other family members use the word no for lesser things and my kids freak out haha.

2. No hitting. I hate this saying "I was spanked as a child and I turned out fine" but did you? In my past "people in my life used the belt, their hand, made us sit on grates and fireplaces, kept books on our weight, used a bean cup and everytime we were bad we got a bean inside and got grounded, boot camp, broke my glasses, broke a collarbone, gave us bruises, made us bled, broke a cutting board over our head, threatened to light us on fire, we were forced to comb out their dandruff to all hours of the night, weren't allowed to see family members, the list goes on. I knew the moment I became a mother I could discipline without hitting. I use toilet time outs, and give my children 1 minute time out per age. Hitting is not love. It's you getting frustrated because you aren't getting through to your child.

3. Dream dates. This is something I started with Camden to stop cosleeping. I love cosleeping my husband doesn't. I let him pick out somewhere to go in our dream and tell him mommy has to run back to her room so I don't miss you! It's super exciting and he is happy that he can find me in his dreams.

4. Emails. When my kids were born, they got email addresses. I didn't want them to be camdenburhoe2837@ ;) plus I send them words of encouragement and notes and pictures for them to read one day.

5. Dates. My son and I go on dates often. He picks out his outfit and chooses the place. It's so important to have one on one time.

6. Olive juice- for when they are too old to say I love you:) 

7. Cosleeping. My favourite thing in the soles. Break the rules. Let them be little. Even if you end up with feet in your face, it sure beats your husband Dutch opening you under the blankets!

What are some of your favourite tricks or things you do as a parent? 

Nightmares.. Not just for kids

I suffer from nightmares. I know that I'm dreaming during them, because I try to wake myself but can not. I'm flailing and shaking and throwing my bed in my dream and screaming at my husband to wake me up. I even quote my favourite movie Labyrinth and say "you have no power over me."

I had three episodes alone last night.

I went to my doctor and got a prescription for it (I've run out)

And have researched some other things to do to make them less occurring.

I wake up with scratches on my body even! 

My doctor is going to put me through psychotherapy  to see if there is anything emotional causing them.

But I just read you can change your nightmare script by  trying imagery rehearsal therapy. 

It's a three step process.

1. Jot down a brief description of your nightmare. Last night one of my sisters was being held at gunpoint.

2. Think of ways to change your nightmare. Relying on intuition 

3. Set aside a few minutes each day to imagine this altered version of the nightmare.

What tricks do you use? Do you suffer from nightmares or night terrors? 

Vision boards

A vision board is a tool used to help clarify, concentrate and maintain focus on a specific life goal. You display images that represent whatever you want to be, do or have in your life.

It's all about the law of attraction and keeping your attention on your intentions.

The last time I did one everything came true!

So today I did another.

Last time mine was to get a car, a house, get married and have another baby.

This time

Mine is to spend more time with my sisters

To take more vacations with my family

To become happy about the people in my life right now, and to live the life I'm in.

To move to the east cost, to treat myself more. 

To let go of yesterday's feelings

To know I'm not irreparably broken

And to know my best begins right here! 

My twinnie

A sister is a best friend for life. I am blessed with 3. They provide me with support, advice, and unconditional love.

This post is about my "twinnie" Koryn.

Usually my sister watches Everly for me. But I had this day off for some reason. So I texted my sister and said- I'm off today enjoy your day off! (She's 22 weeks pregnant) and I got a reply saying Ok. So I went back to bed.

I woke up to my phone ringing, it was my sisters boyfriend. He said I'm at the hospital. Talk to the nurse.

My heart was racing.

She said Hi Kristin your sister had a stroke, and needs to be medivaced to Edmonton. Can you go with her? I frantically said ok, packed up my daughter and raced to drop her off at my other sisters.

When I got to the hospital they had changed heir mad and couldn't let me fly with her. Which turned out to be a good decision because my sister boyfriend hadn't slept from night shift yet. So I drove with him to Edmonton.

I sat in the waiting room with my family and thought she'll be ok- she has to be ok.

And my mother and sister said she's improving.

Well when I got to my sister she was not ok. She couldn't see, she couldn't talk and all her words were mumbled. Her beautiful smile was crooked and my heart sank. I wanted to take her place. I felt guilty for being depressed in my own life when I have everything. I was angry. I left the room and bawled and was mad at my family for telling me she was ok.

But my sister and mom told me to keep positive. I spent the whole weekend at the hospital.

It turned out my sister had a Cavernoma in the brain (tumour) and it's right in the middle of the brain. Her being pregnant caused the cavernoma to bleed and cause her to stroke. 

I've never prayed so hard in my life. 

I laid beside my sister and rubber her back, brushed her hair, sang her songs ( Randy Travis Forever and ever Amen) , talked about the past, and future, shared in the exciting news that her boyfriend proposed to her while in the hospital, and just watched her sleep. Not once did she complain. Heck she even teased me when I quizzed her and asked who I was and she said my first cousin?

She just said don't worry I'm gonna get better.

And so she has. She was released yesterday, and although the baby has to come via c section early, she is improving and baby is healthy! 

My sister said to me I'm sorry for being so mean to you. No sissy. You've never been mean to me. You mean to me.

I can't wait until you're all better, and baby is here. You are going to be a wonderful mother just as you are a sister a Aunty and a friend. 

Letting go - Bereavement Therapy

Forgiveness.

As a child, bad things happened to me and my sisters. A lot of which you can read about in my poems. But I remember talking to my grandmother and she told me, don't hold grudges. No matter how bad the person may be. And I've tried my best to do so.

I am able to forgive, but my biggest downfall is I am not able to let go.

I would give almost anything to have a relationship with my father, although it's not in the  cards. I still care about every past boyfriend I have. And my heart still breaks for friendships I have lost.

My Doctor is actually putting me through something called Bereavement therapy, because I have such a hard time letting go of people who have left me.

I once had a conversation with a dear friend who had just lost her father, and recall telling her that at least her father died with love in her heart for her. For me, I don't know if my father will. When someone leaves you by choice, it's like a scar that doesn't heal.

I'm hoping this therapy will help me, to realize that just because someone is done in a part of my journey, doesn't mean I should not forge ahead with happiness and excitement on what's to come.

--Bereavement is the time we spend adjusting to loss. Grief can shake everything up, your beliefs, your personality, and even your sense of reality."