Sad

I get so sad. Where my thoughts manifest into something ugly and I can't shake it. I feel so very alone. I hate being alone. He just lets the tears fall and says I'm sorry. I'm over sorry. I want to be me again. I want to be my own person, to feel love. To matter. I'm being held hostage here. I came here for him. He doesn't see that. Help me. I'm drowning. 

The past

I was 7 years old when my parents got divorced. I remember it vividly. Perhaps that's why I don't believe in divorce. For the tortured souls who never recover.

My mom was a drunk. I say this with love though. I don't have a single memory of her as a child sober. Is that to say she was never sober? No. It's just that my mind remembers the bad times.

She came home one night loaded. She worked at the oil can so it was well after 4 am. My dad had to work in the morning and was yelling at her. Asking her how she was going to get up in a few hours with the four of us. Feed us, take care of us. She grabbed her blanket and made for the couch like she always did. 

He kicked her out.

She broke the door down and cut my dads nose by accident with his glasses and the door. I yelled don't hurt my daddy. I was always a daddy's girl.

That was it. We saw my mom on the weekends. We packed up all of her stuff into agar age bags and ripped it off at the oil can. It was kind of fun for us kids really. Little did we know she was the lesser of all evils.

We lived with my grandparents for the next five years. Icrecream and fun, and being spoiled. It was a perfect childhood. 

We saw my mom on the weekends and my dad when he was off. We loved it.

My dad then met a woman on the internet. We talked to her on the phone. She sounded nice. She moved up in November of 1993. I was 11. She had 3 children. They married in December.

Life changed. We rarely saw my mom or my grandparents. And we were abused. We weren't allowed to sing, use washcloths, have baths. We had rules posted everywhere. We had to comb dandruff from their hair sometimes until 3 am with school the next morning. We had to kneel on the fireplace if we were "bad" we were so hungry we would eat stuff that couldn't be traced like sugar and raisins. My sister took raw perogies to school. We used to lick the bottom of the bowls before we washed them. We did all the chores.

Playing outside was a luxury, and only in backyard. And we were hit. Relentlessly. Cutting boards, threatened with lighter fluid, my sister even had her shoulder blade dislocated. But they will say we deserved it.

2 of my sisters ran away at 15. I stayed for my baby sister Kara. Then I had an epiphany. I would cut myself with a razor everytime she hit me. Well I didn't stop cutting.

My dad came home one night and was trying to make small talk. I told him he didn't know me. I showed him my legs and he cried. He took me and my sister to the park and kicked her out. And asked us to tell him everything. We did. He took her back the next day.

They called suicide hotline and listened on the other end. They took away my razors so I couldn't show which was embarrassing for grade 12.

I got a bean for everytime I was "bad" so I was pretty much grounded my entire grade 12 year. She used to hit us and then say oh I guess we won't be getting hair combers tonight. 

We used to have to sing cadence and be in boot camp orchestrated by my step brother. She used to weigh me and compare me to my sisters. Tell me I was going to be fat like my mothers side. She told me my mother only wanted the China hutch and my parents divorced me on My birthday. She was going to light me on fire one night until my step brother jumped in. 

One time She was hitting me over the face and cute me with my glasses. I was bleeding and bled on my shirt. Afterwards she told me to clean my shirt. I said no I was going to wear it to school to show people I was abused. My dad made me change it. I was washing it out in the bathroom and she came in and said don't use hot water. My sister said to me to leave. That I wouldn't make it out if I didn't. So I did. I never looked back.

I'm currently being treated for my depression. For being a daddy's girl and still loving him with all my heart. I take pills for my nightmares. I relapsed at Christmas due to high stress and self harmed again. 

Was it the divorce? Was it the abuse? All I know is that it wasn't my fault and I'm on the path to recovery and happiness. 

Silver Icing

For those who don't know me, I'm kind of quiet and shy. Haha not really. And I have a strange obsession with unicorns 

(laughter)

I started selling Silver icing by chance. In February 2015. I had a newborn baby Everly and my mother in law had came up to find a job from Prince Edward Island. I signed her up to do Silver Icing but she didn't do anything with it. So after some coaxing my friend Kari who is now my upline and my husband  told me to do it.

I was pretty amazed at how well it took off for me. I had been in direct sales since 2009, and even hit director with one of the companies I was with but Silver Icing for me was effortless, and had a business plan like I hadn't seen before.

I liked how positive the hub was, and how girls were ready to help even if you weren't on their team.

Everything changed for me though at Refresh last year. 

Girls from my own city that I had never known became instant friends. We shared so many laughs and maybe one or two drinks:) 

But my takeaway that weekend was girls who would help me through the hardest year of my life.

Imagine telling your upline about your depression. I thought it was just post partum and it would go away as Everly got older, but it turned out it was from my childhood that I had never dealt with. My sisters and I were survivors of child abuse.

So I guess I just dealt with my anxiety and depression for 20 years, and at Christmas time I relapsed, into self harming and my family was going to have me admitted. My two Silver Icing unicorns Kari and Jen were the only ones besides family who knew. 

Then in January one of my sisters, who I call my twinny since we are so close in age had a stroke while 32 weeks pregnant from a cavernoma tumour in her brain. They think she had the Tumor since birth but the pregnancy made it grow and bleed in her brain. Again the first people I told were Kari and Jen. They said whatever you need we got you, took over my accounts, and checked in on me all the time. I didn't think my sister was going to make it. At the Fort McMurray hospital she was all smiles and talking and then was medivaced to Edmonton and when I got there after the five hour drive she couldn't touch her nose say my name or form sentences. I wanted to swap bodies with her. I couldn't lose her. 

I stayed with her the whole weekend in the hospital :) and am happy to report she delivered a healthy baby boy in May:) named Harrison. We are waiting for November to see what they will do on her tumour . But are keeping her in our prayers.

In March my grandpa died after a long battle with dementia. I had lived with him for 5 years as a kid, so he was like a dad to me, and I took his death pretty hard.

Then in May my city Fort McMurray was hit by the wildfires. I was sent home from work at noon to pack just in case, and then only 20 minutes later it turned into a mandatory evacuation and I had just minutes to pack. And left with sadness all my silver icing orders:) and forgot to pack the things that were sentmental to me. Although I did pack an entire pillowcase of mismatched socks. 

We left with flames in our rear view window and I gave my six year old my shirt so he could cover his eyes. My baby was with her babysitter and it took 7 hours until I would be reunited with her. I I got confirmation the next day our house was completely gone.

Now like me you're probably wondering what does this have to do with the heart and soul award? 

I created a Facebook page three years ago called helping others for my city to help people who might need some extra love or help with mortgages and bills and food and Christmas presents, and I created another one for all my silver icing customers who had lost their homes in the Fort McMurray fires. I try always to be mindful of others and it gives me a sense of purpose. No one ever goes poor from giving. Even when you don't have anything to give you can give advice, or friendship, or love. And that's all I did.

People would write me and say things like-  look at you you lost everything and you're still helping others. But I didn't lose everything. I still have people who love me and inspire me and support me and make me want to be a better person.

I want to thank my unicorns who got me through the hardest year of my life. Kari, Jennifer Pittman and Jennifer Hahn, 

Christina. You've been my #wcw

 since I joined this company. Thank you for giving me theses friendships and allowing me to work from home and watch my kids grow but mostly thank you for what you did for Fort McMurray. That was the only thing that made me smile that entire week. It just shows how much you care for all of us and speaks to your kind heart.

, and for all the stylist love I was shown after the fires from my downline, and costylists who sent me clothes for myself and people in my group, helped earn beans for my children and sent my children gifts. I will never forget the kindness that was shown to me and I'll continue to find ways to pay it forward. Thank you! 

Saying goodbye

There a re few people I can't say goodbye too without crying.

And some I'll never let go of without dying.

Goodbye is the hardest world I'll ever hear

Goodbyes the last time I'll hold you dear

I hate goodbyes

I hate the unknown

Just stuff

 Here are the things that are just stuff to everyone else that I wish I had gotten out before my house burnt

The board with my kids heights. We had saved and wanted in our new house

My engagement and wedding rings. 

My wedding albums and baby albums my mother in law made me

My hockey jerseys:) my kids are named after oiler players

My husbands tools that were his grandpas

My poetry that got me through some of my darkest years

Dream phone from my best birthday ever 

Camdens watch that was my late grandfathers

Everlys quilt that Patsy made

The pictures in everlys room from my sister and an old best friend with her arrow.

My date book I kept of my husbands and I love story. Every ticket stub to every date. Every card he ever gave me. 

Now all memories but not just stuff 

The day we were evacuated

 It's been a while since my last post. And I wanted to write. About the day my world went upside down. Everything was normal, I was out for lunch with my girls from work but the fire that had been around our city looked different today. I had a sick feeling. I called my sister koryn to show her what it looked like, because she lives nearby. Then I went back to work and they told me my sons school was being evacuated. I called Mike to tell him I was going home and he said you pack up just in case I'll get Camden. I woke my sister Karalee up from night shift told her I would be home soon and to start packing. I was home six minutes. I was grabbing clothes from each closet and the papers they tell you to bring. I did a quick glance over my house and thought it would only be a couple of days. Had I known my house would be gone forever I would've taken the extra few months to grab what meant something to me.

I left my house and my husband came home with my son. Camden was scared and wanted to go with me. We were now seperates. Camden and me , Karalee in one truck, Mike and the dog in the other. We were on the road but traffic wasn't moving and you could see flames now in the distance. Something told me to turn around and go down the old hill so I did. I gave Camden my shirt and told him to cover his eyes because I didn't know what we were going to see. I then called the radio to tell them to do the same. My car is almost on empty and there are no gas stations open. I helped a lady get to her cat then went to a school to pick up a family friends daughter after calling a long lost friend I saw on the roof of their house. I guess it was the selfishness in me that made me call them to reconnect. See how they were doing. We had been friends for so long. Not sure why I thought they'd want to hear from me. Moving on.

I sat in the parking lot of Shoppers and sobbed. The city was on fire. My city. The city I was born on and have never left. 

Then I realized I still had things to do, like get gas and get to my baby. I called my oldest sister who was headed north and said if anything happens to me just get Everly. I knew she was in good hands with my sitter but I wanted her with family in case anything drastic happened. I was still on no gas in a burning city after all.

I met up with my husband randomly on the highway and someone had told me to go to stone creek for some gas. So I drove on the side of the road just in case installed I didn't want to be a prick who stalled in the middle of the highway thousands were trying to get out on. I got to confed and told the cop I was out of gas, and he said ok but people are coming down in the same road you're going up, please be careful. 

I drove better than I have ever in my life:) into oncoming traffic! I can't even park straight. I got to the gas station just as my reserve was out so I had to be the prick in the intersection again:) with my blinkers on. Hubby went to a friends house to get a jerry can and we waited a couple hours in the line up for gas.

We parked hubbys truck in a "safe spot" and then he took over driving.

It took almost 7 hours until we were reunited with Everly. She was sleeping:) so innocent and peaceful.

I will never be able to repay my gf Tiffany for everything she did for me that day and kept my baby safe. I will always feel guilty for going to work that day.

Our friend found us a camp room but there was no linen or milk, you know the things you take for granted. And I had that feeling again. So I packed up the kids and dog again and we headed south. I tried to wake up my friends and family at the camp to tell them to come too. But no one  listened to my ramblings:)

We drove just to we were out of harms way and then slept on the side of the road, almost out of gas again. But I was relieved. We were together and safe.

We managed to get free gas in the morning and drove to my sisters house.

It was over. I got alerts from my security system my house was gone. And then I got pictures and video from my neighbour. I then made the decision with my family to send my husband and kids to PEI. This wasn't an easy decision. It wasn't me saying it would be nice to not have my kids around. I am their mother. My sole purpose in life is to protect them. Whoever says I've been selfish or reckless in sending them doesn't know me. Doesn't know that I have seen a doctor and needed a prescription just to survive my head without them. 

It's been he's. It's been hard doing the insurance stuff alone, sleeping alone, cooking for one. It's been hard having zero responsibilities but to let my dog out, and seeing my kids for a couple minutes a day. I've had nightmares and have polls for those too. I see fire and the sounds of sirens make my skin crawl. It isn't a vacation. I miss my kids. I miss my husband. I miss my house and all it stuff. 

I miss my home and just because I wanted to move doesn't make this any easier.

Tattoo

When I was 19 I got a tramp stamp. Guess what of... Yup a butterfly. I hate it so much now that I haven't got one since.

But now I want an arm sleeve.

Of the movie Labyrinth.

I love this movie, for so many different reasons. I would never ask a goblin king to take my siblings away, but I love how it's all just one dream and she figures it out by saying you have no power over me. I also love when her friends come back to visit her and say should you need us. As I embark on my new journey without my sisters for the first time in my life. I how the tattoo will remind me that I create my own destiny and happiness and that my sisters will always be there for me like I am for them.

Dance magic dance magic dance